The Art of Give & Take

In economics, we have the art of supply & demand; In life, we have the art of give & take.

Human relationship is an art. One needs wisdom, patience, understanding and acceptance, topped up with some disappointments to master the art. Often, when disappointments are pushed to the edge, it evolves into anger, rage, and possibly hate. I am a human after all. I can't keep givng and not expect some back in return. I have my own needs and cannot be caring for other people's needs and not get cared for. After all, we all need to be loved, don't we?

You quarelled with your mum and you needed someone to comfort you. I told you to come over despite my scheduled work at home. You wanted to shop a bit and I waited for you despite being anxious that I may not finish the work and even more worried that I may not have time for you after that. You were so tired that you fell asleep but I knew that you needed to talk. So I stopped my work, thinking I could finish my report while on the bus to work. We chatted till past midnight and I tried my best not to fall asleep despite being shattered by a full day of work. I needed to take public transport to finish the report but you wanted me to take the car to drop you off at a nearby place. I gave you all I had, but it wasn't enough for you. I needed to finish my work as it was important for me but you didn't care. I sacrificed my sleep, work but got you angry instead.

Sometimes I wonder is it me that you love or is it my love for you that you love? Isn't it in a relationship, there's give and take?

Do you love me?

Give Me Oil in My Lamp

I guess everyone needs to be loved once in a while. Wait! There's something wrong in this statement. The truth is: Everyone needs to be loved. While in this city setting, we yearn love yet afraid to love, for love hurts. Therefore, let's not love at all. I think that is why true friendship seldom blossoms. We package our hearts with beautiful wrappings and it starts to become icy steel. But deep down in our hearts, we still yearn for to be loved. But that yearning is often toned down and we try to substitute it by working hard, by being successful, we try to numb our senses with seemingly important stuff, trying to be important, trying to be part of the society. Only once in a while, the yearning for love is so great that we cannot suppress it anymore that we demand it from our loved ones. That is usually where we accuse them of not loving us enough. That is when your partner gets stunned by the sudden change of demand. It's not a sudden change, it's always there, just that we suppress it so well, we cheat even ourselves.

Yesterday was a lesson learnt why we need God to provide oil into my lamp. I was sick, and needed rest; work's pilling and so is the pressure; my manager just told me that she was not going to endorse my PR application; service at church is not going well. All I wanted was to either work hard thru the night or to rest well and kick start tomorrow with a bang. That wasn't what happened. Pris needed to talk and to be loved. My common sense tells me that's not a good idea but my love for her tells me that she deserves my attention. She talked and I listen, giving some suggestions and questions along the way. I had my silent prayers for her and for myself. I believe God is teaching both of us in His way. I prayed for God to sustain me at work the next day.

The reason why people are afraid to love is because love is sacrificial in nature. It will require effort, it will take time, and it WILL hurt you one day or another. Last night, I chose to love, to burn myself. But I was not alone. God will provide the oil for me. He is my protector. I will continue to learn to care, to love, to burn. I'd rather die than to never loved at all. Give me time dear, I'll be your good manager.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth"

What a Day

I can't remember when was the last time I met with so many people. It started with Church in the morning, lunch with friends which one came back from Thailand and going back next Sunday, visited a long time no talk friend, counseled a good friend, an impromptu counseling session by Pastor, and Yum Cha with a Cha Siew. Six sessions in total, even my girlfriend can't believe how energetic I was today. Now, I'm beat.

Today has been a day of people and feelings, something that I am totally not good at nor good with. My recent psychological test on empathy on humans feelings scored only 4 out of 100, one of the lowest scores ever seen by my Pastor. I amaze myself at what I have achieved today. I guess God has His way to guide me to become a more wholesome person. I am usually not interested in people, how they feel, what they think. But today, I am forced to lend an ear to my good friend and try my best to give him some suggestions. In the end, I guess all he needed was someone to talk to. Funny thing was that right after I helped him, it was my turn to be helped. It started with a casual chat with Pastor. We talked about my primary school days and dug out some important facts of why I am as logical as I am now with very little emotions and feelings.

I guess that in the end, everyone needs help someway or another. I am very honoured to have helped and be helped both at the same day. I have to admit that we all need help sometimes, we can't do everything on our own, no matter how capable we think we are. In the end, we all still long for love. We are humans after all.

Love Heals

I went for a counseling conference on Wednesday in Singapore. It was a Christianity-based event. I was a bit skeptical about the conference, thinking what has counseling to do with Christianity life? It opened my eyes to the importance of psychology towards Christian living.

The speaker is a psychologist, a big man, with a cute humor that shouldn’t fit his size, but it does. He is a wonderful speaker. And the points he brought out was even better. He summarized three important points based on his 30 years of experience, so we should all listen very carefully, he said.

1. Put in effort to manage conflicts
Conflicts that are not resolved do not go away, they stay hidden until it gets too big and then it will all come out in one big explosion. Do not underestimate it.

2. Deposit into the emotional bank of your love ones
Relationship needs take time to build. It’s like a bank. Put in effort for your love ones and you’ll score a point. Score more points and you will get a long lasting and happy relationship. Withdraw too much and your relationship will go bankrupt. One trick is to always highlight the other person’s effort / love language, even when the effort sucks. We better pick this up, it is 30 years of experience! “Highlighting people's effort is a way to see a glimpse of God”, he says. Put in effort and you will see how people express their love in many different ways. It may not be the way you want it, but it’s an act of love.

3. Keep your own emotional state safe
It’s important to keep one’s emotional state healthy. “Hurt people hurt people”. Only emotionally healthy people can stand firm with understanding and love to avoid getting hurt. He mentions that people usually get angry unconsciously, especially when they are hurt. Men get hurt most by shame; and women by abandonment. I never knew how important it is to be emotionally healthy.

He also pointed out an interesting research. He said our immune system is very related to how loved we are. People who feel loved have better immune system than those who don’t. Just look at some cancer patients and you can see that positive patients have a higher chance of fighting the cancer cells. Love heals, and that is God’s law.

I’m glad that I went for this conference. They have been doing it for the past many years, but will do one last one in 2010 before wrapping up. I hope they don’t. We need to learn to be “safe” counselors to spread the love of our Father Lord, who sent the first “safe” person, Jesus Christ to spread His love to us.

God bless.